Brenda’s Pregnancy Journal

Tomorrow begins my third trimester. Wow! I am so excited to be here. There’s a lot to do in the last 3 months and getting it all done is going to be a lot of fun.

Today at our check-up I found that I’d gained another 7lbs! (suggested weight gain is a pound a week - 7lbs is almost double that). I’m up 20lbs over all. The doc was reluctant to tell me for fear I’d be upset. Quite the contrary, I find it rather amusing. Even at this rate I’ll be well within healthy limits when Elliot arrives. He may just be a little bigger than I expected. It’s quite crazy to see my body changing and my belly getting so big.  Charlie’s had a couple suggestions lately that he is looking thinner, he hasn’t weighed to see, but we were joking that it may just look that way - as I get larger he looks smaller! :-) 

At each appointment they check his heart rate with the dopper. His heartrate has been quite consistant - 146 beats per minute at the last several appointments. Today, when she put the doppler on my tummy he gave it a little bump, a few seconds later he gave it a good kick - Charlie saw it from across the room. It was cute, and probably the first time he’s responded to pressure on my abdomen.

Doc said all is looking good - I do have a glucose tolerance test next Friday, I hope to pass it! For most of my pregnancy I haven’t had many significant cravings - especially for anything out of the ordinary - but lately I’ve been drinking sweetened condensed milk - like it were a beverage. Well, not like it were water, but I do drink it strait. Course that probably isn’t good for my blood sugar so I’m going to have to begin denying that craving!  The milk in it has to be good for us though, right?

I’m still amazed that I am 26 weeks pregnant - that Elliot has (thanks to God) stuck around…and the reality of holding my little boy in my arms is getting more possible every day. WOW! My friend Steph shared with me a neat saying the other day, and I can’t remember how it went exactly, but it talked about how when God allows us to go thru trials and waiting periods for something, it makes us all the more grateful when we finally recieve the gift. Truly, the significance of holding a living child in my arms is so much greater, now that I’ve known the loss of others, and had to wait longer than I expected to have a baby.

God is so good, and it is also amazing to look back and see how He has transformed trials in my life into blessings. I got to spend time with two of those blessings on Tuesday night. I have two special friends that I wouldn’t even know, had I not dealt with PCOS and had miscarriages. They are very special women and are treasured gifts from God. It is a true reminder that when future trials come, I can more easily accept them, knowing that out of them God will bring wonderful blessings.

The weeks seem to be flying by…and I have so much to do before he arrives! We want to start working on the nursery but we have water damage from the rain & the contractor is having a hard time getting our upstairs neighbor to arrange a time for them to get into her condo to fix the problem. It’s quite frusterating & I’m not sure what we’re going to have to do to get it fixed. But once it is we’ll begin! I took some ‘before’ shots yesterday so we’ll be able to compare the transformation - I can pretend I’m on one of the home-decorating shows on TV. Except, I won’t be painting of course - Charlie will have to take care of that! :-)  Neither one of us wanted to do a big ‘theme’ but we will have some basketball stuff in there for accessories. For example, we’re going to have his name on the wall in wooden letters, and the ‘O’ will be a basketball. The practical side of us wants most things, especially expensive things, to easily convert to unisex if we were to have a girl later on & still live here.

I get quite a kick out of comments on my tummy. It’s not uncommon for me to hear “boy you’re huge!” or “you’re so tiny” in the very same day! I actually had one person tell me how they liked the shirt I had on (how nice right?) but she followed it up to explain that she didn’t like the shirt I had on the day before b/c “you couldn’t tell I was pregnant” - okay…whatever! I’m quite comfortable w/ where I’m at as far as showing - and everyone’s body is different -so to compare is quite silly. But it’s always amusing to hear what people think…

I am so very proud of myself today - I walked a mile w/out getting tired! My co-worker returned from her maternity leave & we returned to our routine walk. I wasn’t sure how I would do since I haven’t had regularly scheduled excersize for a while…but it was no problem! I’ve remained pretty active doing stuff around the house etc. so it looks like I didn’t lose any stamina.

Only 100 days until May 12! I can hardly believe it!

My new favorite pastime is watching my belly bounce around when Elliot gets going, it’s so strange to watch your body being moved around by another persons little body. I love how active he gets when I read the Bible aloud each evening.

I came home from work on Friday to a DISASTER! We’d put the dogs out, but had accidently forgotten to lock the doggie door - which meant they had unlimited access to my bedroom all day - and boy did they take advantage. It was HORRIBLE. I could hardly see the carpet through the pieces of chewed up cardboad & other papers. A few of my dress shoes were also eaten up, as well as a couple wedding pictures (thankfully they were doubles). I called Charlie in tears, but soon after I got it together & cleaned it up. It’s strange - if we leave them home w/ access to the whole house they do fine, but when they’re stuck in just one room they become monsters! We really are having progress w/ Tucker too - keeping my fingers crossed that we get him fully trained before Elliot arrives….

here’s a pic of just a part of the mess:

After cleaning up that nightmare I went to the varsity game @ COHS with my friend Breanne who is due 12 days after me. We also met up w/ another friend. Unfortunetly they lost, but we had fun anyway. It’s nice to have a friend who is due so close to me - neither one of us bores of talking about pregnancy!

Saturday I got stuff done around the house & then in the afternoon I watched Charlie play basketball (he’s on a team w/ APU). I’ve been so motivated to keep a clean house lately - I love it - I’ve also been super good @ making dinners - which is something I have really struggled with - it’s hard to be motivated to cook after a long day @ work. They say pregnancy brings luck, but after dinner we played 2 rounds of Backgammon & 2 games of Skip-Bo & I lost all four of them!

I’ve been dealing w/ a lot of middle back pain in my sleep & when I first wake up - my solution has been to use cushions from the couch & sleep basically sitting up. So far it seems to be helping - I do hope it doesn’t get worse as I get bigger.

Sunday we went to Church of the Open Door again & the message was very touching. Part of it was on Psalm 127. The first part was a good reminder about how we are not safe from anything anywhere unless God is protecting us - and the second part was good to hear about children - they are a gift from the Lord - but not for us to hold on to - rather for us to sharpen to be “arrows” for God. The pastor mentioned a couple in the church who has wanted children for a very long time & announced that they are pregnant and asked the whole church to pray for the safety of the child. It was special to me to see that this is a church that cares about those who struggle to have children & pray for those who are with child. The other part I love about the church is their dedication to missions - having been a missionary kid myself it is an important area to me & it’s exciting to see a church so passionate about it. Next week I’ll have to go check out the nursery to see where Elliot would be spending his time! 

It’s fun to go away, but it’s nice to come home too, especially to Charlie. I was so tired when I got in that I decided not to go to work on Tuesday. I slept in, did some laundry, cleaned a bit, ran some errands, and made a yummy dinner. It’s always nice to be home & take care of things here. I have no problem w/ traditional gender roles! I also got to call a few friends & catch up. Several of them are pregnant too & it will be fun for Elliot to have little buddies around.

In the evening I went w/ my mom to a missionary dessert for the women at their church. I enjoyed it a lot. It was good to hear about what is going on around the world, and a reminder to pray for the lost. Sometimes I can get quite caught up in what is going on in my own life - and just ‘leave it to the missionaries’ to take care of. Steph & I had a great talk about this - and I’m feeling challenged to be a brighter light.

I’m still getting ‘fluffy mail’ aka: cloth diapers & supplies from the net. Today I got some microfiber towels that are supposed to be super absorbant, maybe I need to get one of those dolls that pees - do they have those? lol!

Wednesday the party ended & I went back to work. Not so bad really, I only have 3 months left before maternity leave! Woohoo!

We have some water damage in Elliot’s room from the rain so we haven’t been able to start painting or anything. Hopefully the HOA will act quickly so we can get on it. I’m excited to start decorating.

My sister-in-law is due in a few days…can’t wait to get the call that my little niece or nefew is on the way!!

Friday morning I flew out of LAX to Chicago where I changed planes & went to Dayton. I was concerned the weather might affect my travel, but God was gracious & the blizzard waited until I was safe in Ohio. Stephanie’s friend Chelsey picked me up from the airport & we had a fun time getting to know one another on the way to the Beaucar’s home. When we were a few minutes away I called Stephanie on my cell & pretended to be on the bus in LA - she didn’t doubt it for a minute. Once we got there Chelsey went to the door & announced that Steph’s ‘package’ had arrived @ the office today & she was there to drop it off. They had Steph come & stand in front of the door w/ her eye’s closed - and boy when she opened them & saw me she screamed - more like shreiked, then jumped up & down, hugged me & screamed some more. It was the greatest suprise I’ve ever pulled off. She was so excited and wasn’t expecting it at all.

We had a terrific weekend together. I enjoyed being able to see all the places she has talked about & to meet all the people I’ve been hearing about. Her pajama party on Saturday night was  blast & I was so blessed to meet many Godly women that are her friends there. She is blessed. They have a really cute home, it’s got a cabin feel to it & the front room has windows all around. Looking out at the snow was absolutely beautiful! Yep, there was lots of snow, and it was COLD - below freezing most of the time! But really, it wasn’t a big deal b/c we were inside most of the time, it was only when we went from the car to a building when we were out in it.

One of the most fun parts of the trip was being around their daughter Nicci. She’s 15 months and so adorable! Her personality is very sweet. Her big word is ‘dog’ and she says it whenever she sees one. Watching and playing with her made me so excited to have Elliot. Imagining having my own little one running around was so amazing.

It was a gift for Steph, but really it was a gift for me too. I’ve missed her a lot & spending time together was special, especially since she got to see me pregnant & be a part of that. She lent me a book on making your own baby food so you know I’m all over that!!

Seeing life in the snowy winter made me think we could do it - so maybe one day our idea of moving to Colorado will come true.

Today was my due date - the due date for “Special K” It’s so hard to know how to feel - to handle what I do feel. I mourn the loss of my child, but I also rejoice in the life I now carry. It’s strange because, if I weren’t carrying Elliot, today would have been an incredibly painful day. I remember how much it hurt to lose our baby - and how before I was pregnant again I dreaded this day more than any other, but the joy of my current pregnancy has really overshadowed that pain. As it should. I tend to live in the moment and am just so happy to be where I am - I almost feel guilty b/c I’m not more sad. I wish Special K would have stayed with us, but I’m so in love with Elliot. I don’t know why God chose to take Special K home early & has been merciful in the new gift of Elliot. But, I don’t just believe His timing is perfect, I feel it. I would gladly accept a child whenever God chose to give me one, and I certainly am not glad about my miscarriage, but May 2005 feels like wonderful timing. I wonder, Is that horrible to think? Is that betraying my child in heaven? How can I be faithful to each of them, when it’s impossible for them both to be here with me? Thankfully it wasn’t my choice - it was God’s and I believe in Him and His perfect will for my life.

I certainly don’t take for granted that Elliot will remain here with us - losing him is a concern I deal with on a daily basis - I continually remind myself of God’s command not to be anxious - knowing He holds everything in His hands. However, all indications are that Elliot is a healthy child and I don’t have any solid basis for that fear. We can’t all constantly worry that our friends & family are going to die any minute, though we know God can take any one of us when He choses. I’m grateful for the peace I have most of the time in regards to Elliots life.

I take this day to also mourn for the babies that have been lost by others that I know. Sweet babies, never to know this earth, but dearly missed, dearly wanted, dearly loved by the few that knew them while they were in the womb. I hurt for women everywhere who have known the pain of miscarriage and they are always in my prayers. I pray also for those who long for children and pregnancy doesn’t come as easily for them as it does for others…it is an awful pain, and rarely understood by those who haven’t experienced it. I won’t ever forget the hurt and horror of longing for a child you are not sure you’ll ever hold. The suffocating fear of not being a mother when it is an overwhelmingly deep desire - is…well, indescribable. I won’t stop praying for those in this place until they hold a child of their own. I can only pray that my story brings them hope…

Alright! Holidays are over & I can start preparing! Last night I went thru all our files & archived all the 2004 receipts & statements. I also made my filing system more efficient so I should have less clutter. And thanks to the paper shreader I got for Christmas I don’t have a stack of papers to rip up anymore!!  I’ll be having a lot of evenings to myself w/ Charlie @ basketball so I’m planning on doing lots of cleaning & organizing during that time.

Last night I got my first shipment of cloth diapers. Charlie & I were laughing at how excited I am to diaper - off all things to be eager for, I must be crazy! You can see a picture of the AIO’s & a couple covers in the nursery/layette/baby items album. You’ll see that I even ‘practiced’ on my cabage patch, lol.  They are just too cute! I also got most of my prefolds & I am very pleased w/ the unbleached color. It’s natural looking. I’m not going to wash them all yet - I have plenty of time to get around to doing that, afterall I’ll be washing them A LOT.