Mixed Emotions
Today was my due date - the due date for “Special K” It’s so hard to know how to feel - to handle what I do feel. I mourn the loss of my child, but I also rejoice in the life I now carry. It’s strange because, if I weren’t carrying Elliot, today would have been an incredibly painful day. I remember how much it hurt to lose our baby - and how before I was pregnant again I dreaded this day more than any other, but the joy of my current pregnancy has really overshadowed that pain. As it should. I tend to live in the moment and am just so happy to be where I am - I almost feel guilty b/c I’m not more sad. I wish Special K would have stayed with us, but I’m so in love with Elliot. I don’t know why God chose to take Special K home early & has been merciful in the new gift of Elliot. But, I don’t just believe His timing is perfect, I feel it. I would gladly accept a child whenever God chose to give me one, and I certainly am not glad about my miscarriage, but May 2005 feels like wonderful timing. I wonder, Is that horrible to think? Is that betraying my child in heaven? How can I be faithful to each of them, when it’s impossible for them both to be here with me? Thankfully it wasn’t my choice - it was God’s and I believe in Him and His perfect will for my life.
I certainly don’t take for granted that Elliot will remain here with us - losing him is a concern I deal with on a daily basis - I continually remind myself of God’s command not to be anxious - knowing He holds everything in His hands. However, all indications are that Elliot is a healthy child and I don’t have any solid basis for that fear. We can’t all constantly worry that our friends & family are going to die any minute, though we know God can take any one of us when He choses. I’m grateful for the peace I have most of the time in regards to Elliots life.
I take this day to also mourn for the babies that have been lost by others that I know. Sweet babies, never to know this earth, but dearly missed, dearly wanted, dearly loved by the few that knew them while they were in the womb. I hurt for women everywhere who have known the pain of miscarriage and they are always in my prayers. I pray also for those who long for children and pregnancy doesn’t come as easily for them as it does for others…it is an awful pain, and rarely understood by those who haven’t experienced it. I won’t ever forget the hurt and horror of longing for a child you are not sure you’ll ever hold. The suffocating fear of not being a mother when it is an overwhelmingly deep desire - is…well, indescribable. I won’t stop praying for those in this place until they hold a child of their own. I can only pray that my story brings them hope…
